The Secret of Instant Likeability
by Kevin Ryan
Many successful people have discovered that being able to make others like them is the first step in building meaningful relationships – both in business and social spheres. Many others have still not worked it out.
These are the ones who make a great second or third impression - but a lousy first impression…which means, unfortunately, that most people they meet never get to see their ‘good side’.
While a few successful people were born with the skill of ‘Instant Likeability’, most weren’t – they are the ones who learned these techniques and rigorously applied them until they became life skills. Just like you can. And, if you believe you have this ability already…then, you could always do better!
Compliments
Never underestimate the power of the sincere compliment. (As a warning, also never underestimate people’s ability to detect an insincere one). It is so easy to find a genuine compliment for everyone you meet. If you meet them in their space (home or office), compliment something in your surroundings. If they’ve chosen the venue, compliment their choice. If you’ve chosen the venue, compliment their navigation skills. If they are there voluntarily, compliment the fact that they turned up!
The hint is to compliment their achievements and/or their decisions. We all love to have our achievements recognized and we all like having our decisions validated. I always ask about a lapel pin. If I recognize it (eg a Rotary pin), I’ll ask how long they’ve been a member and get them talking about the latest fundraising project. If I see one of the pins that shows that they’ve been awarded a civil honour (MBE, Order of Australia, NZ Order of Merit, etc), I’ll ask what they were given their award for – they love it!
Compliment what they have accessorized their clothing with – a tie for males and broach or other jewelry for women. Again, this is validating their decision to choose that particular item. But remember what I said at the start about sincerity. If the broach looks like the outcome of a four-year-old’s craft morning gone wrong, you can’t sat it’s beautiful. You can, however, say it’s ‘interesting’ and enquire as to its origins which, most likely, will be a cherished child or grandchild. If they say they bought it because they think it’s beautiful, well…you’ve been warned. Similarly, if a male is wearing a cartoon tie
Questions
So often in conversation we listen to the other person just long enough to identify something that we can say; and, from that point forward, we just listen for an opportunity to say it. Your main aim in your quest for ‘Instant Likeability’ is to get them talking about themselves. To do this, you should be listening for the question that you can ask that will get them talking more about themselves. Now, it is also important to share a little of yourself – particularly if you’ve identified some potential common ground - but never forget that the more they talk about themselves, the more they’re liking you.
Common Ground
It makes sense that people with whom you have common ground will find it easier to like you; because – at least in this one instance – you are more like them. Of course, it’s great if you support the same football team or share an interest in gardening; but something as incidental as the fact that you’ve lived in the same town is a very effective rapport-builder.
Confidence
We all find it easier to like and respect confident people. Confidence is like a magnet – creating an irresistible pull that gives those that possess it enormous power to influence. The trouble is - in our quest to be liked – we sometimes exhibit the type of behaviour that is the exact opposite of what confident people do.
For many people, their eagerness when they meet new people gives the appearance of trying ‘too hard’. They are more lively, exuberant…sometimes even louder. To create a confident appearance, you need to move and speak a little more slowly and deliberately. So, you can see how easy it is to get it wrong. Go too far one way and you seem like an excited puppy; go too far the other and you’re acting like an arrogant snob. So, when you are first meeting people, take a deep breath, take your time and exude calmness and confidence.
‘Instant Likeability’ is a life skill available to all. To give yourself the best chance, follow these steps –
1. Remember calmness appears as confidence – be a little slower and more deliberate.
2. Look for the compliment.
3. Listen for common ground and the questions you can ask to get them to talk more.
Do this, and your likeability is guaranteed to improve…you might even end up liking yourself more!
Guest Contributor
Kevin Ryan, CSP